'Her stance seems extreme to me': Domineering Dad Refuses to Pay for Daughter's Wedding Because She Won't Let Him Give Her Away

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Jul 3, 2023 1:30 PM EDT

Personally, I'm skeptical at the idea of getting married. There are many reasons for this, and one of them lies in the stress of wedding planning. Don't get me wrong, I adore being a wedding guest. When it's your turn, though, there is so much pressure to appease yourself and everyone else that it often becomes more of a headache than it's worth.

One issue I have with weddings is that the meaning behind the traditions can be pretty misogynistic. Wearing white to symbolize your (usually pretend) virginity is icky. Also, while I would want my dad to be an active part of my wedding if I had one, I wouldn't want to be treated like his property by being given away at the altar.

This is an issue one man and his daughter have come up against. The teenage bride-to-be disagrees with the concept of being given away, and in response, her dad is refusing to help fund the nuptials. Complaining about his predicament to Reddit, the stubborn father received a mix of opinions on the issue. Perhaps there isn't an easy answer to this one.

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  • 01
    Font - r/AmltheAsshole u/Live_Appointment4219 • 15h 141 AITA for refusing to pay for my daughter's wedding because she won't let me walk her down the aisle?
    via Live_Appointment4219
  • 02
    Font - I'm a 48-year-old man and my 19-year-old daughter has always been an independent thinker. I raised her to be independent and think for herself, which I've always appreciated. However, we recently hit a bit of a snag.
    via Live_Appointment4219
  • 03
    Font - She got engaged and decided that she doesn't want me to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. She argues that her mother and I don't "own" her, therefore we have no right to "give her away". I feel hurt by this because we never treated her like an object or piece of property, rather we've tried our best to provide her with a wonderful life.
    via Live_Appointment4219
  • 04
    Font - Her stance seems extreme to me and despite discussions, she's refusing to budge on the issue. I respect her choices, but I feel she's disregarding our feelings completely. As a response, I told her that if she feels that way, then I won't be paying for her wedding.
    via Live_Appointment4219
  • 05
    Organism - I don't want to come across as controlling or manipulative. But by her logic, if I don't "own" her, I also don't owe her a fully-funded wedding. She can pay for her own wedding if she's insistent on this stance. I'm feeling quite conflicted about this. AITA?
    via Live_Appointment4219
  • 06
    Font - Edit: So, this isn't about making the wedding about me. Walking her down the aisle (while all eyes are on her anyway) and then sitting down is hardly making the wedding about me. It's about her attitude. She's had every opportunity in life so far, and to exclude us from this day is a spit in the face. It's a rejection of everything we've done for her, sacrificed for her, given her. It's selfish. "90% of wedding traditions and symbolism had roots in things we don't acknowledge today. Shoul
    via Live_Appointment4219
  • 07
    Font - Independent thinking does not mean rude or selfish thinking. Being an independent thinker does not give someone the license to disregard or disrespect the thoughts, feelings, or perspectives of others. Independent thinking is about maintaining the ability to think critically and form one's own opinions while remaining respectful and considerate of others. It is a balance between asserting individuality and engaging in meaningful and respectful interactions with others. Edit 2: Also note t
    via Live_Appointment4219
  • 08
    Rectangle - ΝΤΑ darkyoda182 15h Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4 Awards You heard her. She is independent. Independent people deal with their own bills Reply : 421.4k ↓
    via darkyoda182
  • 09
    Font - Beansbestie 15h 1 Award Honestly, the reason I wouldn't pay for a wedding wouldn't be because she doesn't want you to walk her down the aisle, it would be because she's 19. Maybe they really will be together forever, but if they truly believe that they can grow up together a little bit before making that big of a commitment.
    via Beansbestie
  • 10
    Rectangle - Embarrassed-Debate60 15h S 10 Awards I can understand why your feelings are hurt. However, were you planning on paying for the wedding as a gift to your child to celebrate their marriage, or because you would get to symbolically give your child away to a spouse? Were you only going to fund the wedding because "you own your child" therefore if you don't own your child, you don't owe paying for a wedding, per your attempt at throwing in your child's face their stated reason for not wan
    via Embarrassed-Debate60
  • 11
    Font - Your child isn't saying that you treated your children like property, but they probably see the symbolism and where this tradition stems from and don't wish to participate. Try to respect your child's independent thinking and point of view, and you shouldn't expect your children to always compromise their principles because of your feelings. It would be fine to talk with them and share how you feel, but YTA for taking your feelings as a reason to not support your child. That said, I don't
    via Embarrassed-Debate60
  • 12
    Font - choppedliver65 14h 1 Award This tradition originated when women were treated as chattel. A woman was transferred from the ownership of her father to her husband. Father is of course not obligated to pay for a wedding, but it seems disingenuous for him to praise her independence until it clashes with his desires. Seems that he isn't above financial and emotional blackmail. This will definitely have an impact on the father/ daughter relationship. There is no way of knowing whether she will
    via choppedliver65
  • 13
    Font - Inevitable_Pie9541 15h Partassipant [4] NTA exactly because it's your money, your call. But die on this hill, daughter funds her own wedding, be prepared to not even get an invite, much less walk her down the aisle. It'll be her money, her call. TAKE A DEP BREATH AND REMEMB WHO TH YOU ARE
    via Inevitable_Pie9541
  • 14
    Font - Bulky_Mix3560 15h Partassipant [1] 1 Award "I don't wanna come off as controlling and manipulative" but I wanna make my daughters wedding about me and so I will take away my support if she doesn't do what I want. YTA Thank you kind stranger for the award! ⠀ Reply 42.0k
    via Bulky_Mix3560
  • 15
    Font - ka-ka-ka-katie1123 14h I didn't want my dad to walk me down the aisle for the same reasons as OP's daughter. It's just a gross custom to me and has nothing to do with my childhood or relationship with my father. But he pitched a fit and threatened to pull his money, and I was 22 so I gave in. And just felt gross the whole time we were walking in. (Divorced now and will not be making the same mistake in the future.)
    via ka-ka-ka-katie1123
  • 16
    Font - So I'm also going with YTA. Primarily for making this into a personal issue instead of actually listening to what your daughter is saying. It's not about you acting like you own her or having done anything wrong. It's about the fact that the entire tradition is because women were treated as property and she doesn't want to perpetuate that. Edit: Just to be clear, I should not have gotten married at 22 and I don't think OP's daughter should get married at 19. But it's one of those situatio
    via ka-ka-ka-katie1123
  • 17
    Rectangle - SoLongMeatbags 15h Asshole Aficionado [13] 2 Awards OP: I raised my daughter to be independent and think for herself Also OP: I am not going to pay for the wedding unless she gives into my demands So, which is it? Do you want your daughter to be independent or does she need to bend the knee? You straight are acting out on emotions and a bruised ego. Keep it up and your daughter will probably just rescind your invite amd go NC, because she will never forget your hypocrisy and childish
    via SoLongMeatbags
  • 18
    Font - NAH casketclovers 15h Partassipant [1] I get both points of view. I dont want my dad to "give me away" when I get married but I also am expecting O financial support from my parents. Its becoming more normalized that women walk themselves down the isle. But maybe a compromise can be made and both you and her mom can walk her so its more a show of support for the marriage than a handoff. Just an idea. But I dont believe you're obligated to pay for the wedding at all.
    via casketclovers
  • 19
    Rectangle - Stormschance 15h Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2 Awards YTA. Were you paying for her wedding because you own her or simply because you felt it was your responsibility to do so? Or because you love her and wanted her to have a beautiful day? You raised an independent thinker but when that independent thinking is counter to you, you're going to punish her? Do you really want her wedding day to be a bad memory for both of you?
    via Stormschance
  • 20
    Font - Have you talked about compromise, creating something else symbolic or changing the symbolism of walking down the aisle to something different that suits you both? Something that speaks not of 'giving away' but of pride and respect and love? I've seen parents stand with the bride at the head of the aisle and then her walking alone symbolizing the three aspects of her life. Child of her parents, free choice making adult, to her new life with her partner. I've seen both bride and groom walk
    via Stormschance

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aita bride marriage father of the bride controversial Misogyny paying wedding dad argument family daughter Reddit money Father
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